The Search for Perfect Pastor

Adam – A good man but wife problems.  And rumors that the two of them enjoy walking unclad in the woods.

Noah – He has 120 years preaching experience, but not one convert.  Also he’s prone to unrealistic building projects.  And his kids have seen him drunk and naked.

Methuselah – Too old . . . WAY too old!

Abraham – He took off into the world during hard times, got in trouble there, and then tried to lie his way out.  Also there’s reported wife-swapping, but the facts seem to show that he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his wife with another man.   Plus, suspected child abuse while out camping.

Joseph – He is a big thinker, but a braggart who believes in dream interpretation.  And he has a prison record.

Moses – A modest-meek man, but poor communicator with stuttering problems.  He has a tendency in business  meetings to blow his top and then act rashly. Is said to have fled from an earlier church over a murder charge.

Deborah – One word, female.

David – The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with the neighbour’s wife and then hiring a hit man to kill the woman’s husband.

Solomon – He is a great, wise teacher, but has serious relationship problems with women.  And our parsonage would never be able to hold all of his wives.

Elijah – A real fighter, but prone to depression, collapses under pressure and subject to nervous break-downs.

Elisha – Can work miracles, but we were told he lived with a single-widow while at his former church.

Hosea – A tender and loving pastor, but the people could never handle his wife’s scandalous occupation.

Jeremiah – He stands for right but cries too much.  An alarmist who is always negative, lamenting this and that.

Isaiah – A great orator, but claims to speak with angels.

Jonah – He told us he refused God’s call and so was swallowed up at sea by a great whale and then some days later that same mammal spit him up out on a shore.  Sounded too fishy to us so we hung up on him.

Amos – He’s too backward and unpolished, but with  some seminary training might have  possibilities.  He really has a hang-up with wealthy people.  Our conclusion, he is better suited for rescue mission work.

John – He says he is a Baptist, but looks more like a hippie, sleeping outdoors and eating health food.  He’d definitely not be comfortable at our church pot-lucks.  And he has it in for denominational leaders.

Peter – He’s too blue collar.  He has a bad temper – even cursed and denied Christ.  An aggressive fella, but a loose cannon who had a big, public, run-in with Paul.

James & John – This package deal preacher-and- associate seemed good at first, but we later found out they have a real ego problem regarding other fellow workers, especially when it comes to their pew spots in church.  And they once threatened to burn down an entire town because some folk disagreed with them.

Paul – He is a powerful, CEO type, but short on tact, harsh, and unforgiving with younger ministers.  And his appearance is nothing to write home about.  A great speaker, but he’s been known to preach all night.

Timothy – He’s single and too young.  And he’s always sipping at the bottle.  He says it’s for a stomach ailment.

Melchizedek – He has unbelievable credentials in his current ministry, but where does this guy come from? There is no information on his resume about former employment and every line about parents was left blank.  He even refuses to supply us with a birth date.

Jesus – He tends to upset church people with his preaching, especially Bible scholars.  He even offended us, the search committee, with pointed questions.  His congregation of 5,000 dwindled down to just 120.  Plus he moves around to much, is single, and Jewish.

Judas – His references are solid.  A steady plodder,  conservative, well-dressed, with high connections.  Seems to be very practical, good with money, and cares for the poor.  Certainly a co-operative fella.  So we’re inviting him to preach this Sunday.  Real possibilities.

The bottom line?  I don’t know if the above makes you feel much better about me, but it sure does make me feel a lot better about me!

Pastor Gary