Tragedy struck the Baptist church on Sunday when every covered dish at the church’s annual Christmas potluck was a green bean casserole. Stunned onlookers watched in horror as family after family arrived with the same popular dish in tow. By the time grace was said there were over twenty-five green bean casseroles lining the buffet table with not one single meat dish in sight.
Sue Cook, supervisor of the Baptist potluck, recalls the horror of witnessing the casseroles flooding in. “I’ve heard scary stories from other potluck coordinators about such things, but you never think it’s going to happen to your church,” she said in tears, “All I could think of at the time was – ‘Why us, Lord…why us?’”
Repercussions from the church disaster were felt throughout the community as area grocers reported a shortage of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup and French’s French Fried Onions.
A few brave members weathered the green bean avalanche by using large amounts of sweet tea to wash it down, while others, dazed and hungry, fled back to their homes. But a small faction of survivors, led by Jim Timely, did find shelter at a nearby McDonalds fast food restaurant. “Jim was quick-thinking and showed amazing courage under pressure,” said Mary Potts, “Just when I was about to go down, he threw me a Happy Meal. It saved my life.”Mr Timely, however, shrugged off Ms. Pott’s praise. “The real star was William Clutch, who tripped while helping others cross the parking lot to the golden arches. I’ll never forget Bill lying there on the concrete, refusing my help and yelling to all the others, ‘Save yourselves!’ Now that’s a true hero. He’ll be missed.”
Despite the initial panic, church officials were able to restore order and send home those remaining without further incident (although there were reports of one member being detained for trying to sneak extra wafers out of the church’s communion tray, but this could not be confirmed at press time).
In the aftermath of the ill-fated potluck, theories abounded as to why this catastrophe took place. Speculation on the cause ran the gamut from the two-for-one sale on Libby’s green beans at the local Foodland grocery store to a sign of the soon coming Apocalypse. But the main theological debate was whether it was part of God’s sovereign decree or the tragic outcome of man’s free will exercising the right to bring such a dish to church.
Member Sam Gripe believes it was God’s judgment. “I’ve told them for over twenty-five years they shouldn’t be calling it potluck,” explained Gripe, “That’s an affront to an Almighty God who doesn’t deal in luck. I just hope this egregious sin against the Lord doesn’t ruin my chances to win the lottery. I’m feeling pretty good about my numbers this week. Cross your fingers.”
Seven-year-old Tommy Tummy tried to put things in proper perspective, “I’m just glad there weren’t brussels spouts. Seriously, I woulda puked.”
When asked if the story of the Israelites complaining about the provision of God’s manna would have any bearing at this time,” Pastor Shepherd grimaced, “Oh, I never even thought about that. Now I’m going to have to trash my analogy to Stephen’s martyrdom and rewrite the whole sermon. This just goes from bad to worse.”
The bottom line? Any green bean casseroles tonight?
GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE
What You Need
● One can Campbell’s Condensed Mushroom Soup
● Half cup milk
● One dash black pepper
● Quarter cup chopped red bell pepper
● Four cups cooked cut green beans
● One-and-third cup French’s French Fried Onions
What You Do
#1 Stir the soup, milk, black pepper, red pepper, beans and 2/3 cup onions in a 1½-quart casserole.
#2 Bake at 350̊F. for 25 minutes or until the bean mixture is hot and bubbling. Stir the bean mixture. Sprinkle with the remaining onions.
#3 Bake for 5 minutes or ‘til onions are golden brown.