May
9

The Next “Survivor” Series

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Survivor – The show maroons a group of strangers in an isolated locale.  There they must provide for themselves and compete in challenges to earn rewards or immunity from game expulsion in successive elimination votes. The final survivors face a jury composed of the last players voted off, who vote for the game winner – the title of Sole Survivor and a million dollar prize.

Six married men will be dropped on an island for six weeks, each with one car and three children.  Every child will play two sports, and either take music lessons or dance classes.  Each man must take care of his three kids, keep his house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of bills with not enough money.  In addition, each man will have to budget in money for weekly groceries (there is no fast food).  Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.  Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s, dentist and haircut appointment.  He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the emergency room – weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they’re about to leave for vacation. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function. Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned home, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.  The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.  There is only one set per family and the remote has dead batteries.  Each father will be required to  know  all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character in cartoons.  The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.  Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a four-year old to eat a serving of peas.  Each man must wear uncomfortable, yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.  The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.  During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, backaches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings – but never once complain or slow down from other duties.  They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park.  He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.  They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.     A test will then be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, time of birth, and length of labour, each child’s favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand-and-foot until they are better.  They must have a loving, age-appropriate reply to, “You’re not the boss of me.”  The kids then vote them off the island based on performance.  The last man wins only if, he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.  The winner then gets to play the game over and over and over again for the next 25 years, eventually earning the right, without any pay at all, to be called – Mother!