TO KISS? (OR) NOT TO KISS?

A fundamental Baptist Bible college student was a real legalist who demanded a scriptural basis for everything that he did. So whenever he was asked to do something, he would reply – “chapter and verse, chapter and verse”. Well, all was going fine until he fell in love with a beautiful girl. He really wanted … [Read more…]

Coming Up…

On February 9, 2020 Pastor Gary Fischer will lead the Adult Bible Class at 10:00 a.m. with another penned pal of Paul – important people whose lives were important to his ministry.  The morning service at 11:00 will also have preaching by Pastor Gary.  Dr. Adrian Rodgers is the on-screen preacher for the evening service … [Read more…]

Why French Children Don’t Have ADHD

Sunday morning, a family was seated together in church, and the parents were doing their best to control the youngest child, who was continually acting up during the service.  Finally the father had enough and during the offertory, lifted the little fella over his shoulder and began walking  back toward the foyer.  As they were … [Read more…]

Secrets of the Buffet

Just In Time For The Holidays! At an all-you-can-eat restaurant the husband came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time. “Dear” exclaimed his wife, “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?” “Not a bit,” replied the husband, “I just tell them … [Read more…]

Tricks & Treats!

The modern Halloween began as a Celtic pagan festival  that marked the end of the harvest season and the beginning of the winter season, falling mid-way between the autumn and winter equinox (sunset October 31 to sunrise November 1).   This was their New Years, and it was believed that during this transition from one year … [Read more…]

JEWS, JEWS AND MORE JEWS

A woman came from a large family of six sisters and six brothers. One day she was looking through the family photo album when she noticed that in picture after picture, all the children were dressed in matching outfits. Later, she asked her mother why everyone – even the baby – was dressed identically.  Her … [Read more…]

The Sky is Falling, Again!

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the American North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.  … [Read more…]

The Bible, Book or Library?

THE BIBLE, BOOK OR LIBRARY? A man was doing a research paper on suicide. He visited the library and asked the person behind the counter for books on the subject and was directed to a a certain aisle. However, the fella soon returned to the front desk and said the entire shelf was empty. The … [Read more…]

Lawn-Mower Parents

The Newest Way Of Raising Kids The man passed out as he exited the front door onto his porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. “It was enough to make anybody do so,” he said. “My son asked me … [Read more…]

DECIDING DREAMS?

It was Valentine’s Day.  A husband came downstairs for breakfast.  Over coffee, his wife informed him of a dream she had in which he gave her a beautiful pearl necklace for Valentines.  So she inquired, “What do you think it means?”  He replied, “You’ll know tonight.”  That evening, the man came home with a small … [Read more…]

A Clash of Kingdoms

Bible Series – A Clash Of Kingdoms is the latest on-location series of lessons by Bible teacher, Ray Vander Laan.  It is number fifteen in the series (we have shown all previous fourteen here over the past twenty years).

Fake Faith News

There was a furniture store prone to, as most are, after every few years post a big sign with giant letters that read, “Going Out Of Business, Everything Must Go!”  (then a few months later start up again).  As time went on, two more furniture stores opened up on each side of the one already … [Read more…]

COMMUNION CONUNDRUM

An old Catholic priest retired after serving his small town parish for many years.  He was replaced by a younger man who was very eager to make his mark as a new generation of clergy.  But after one month the novice cleric could sense that something was not right,  so he called a longtime member … [Read more…]

Reclaiming the Rainbow

An Irishman went into a flag shop and requested  a green union-jack flag.  The shopkeeper behind the counter replied, “A green union-jack what? We don’t do green union-jacks, you fool.”  The Irishman inquired, “What colours do you do them in them?” “Red white and blue, like everywhere else,” responded the salesperson.     The Irishman said, “Okay, … [Read more…]

You’ve Got to “Hand” It to the Jews!

Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, “No, Johnny, you can’t eat that now, it has germs.” Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, “Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus –  that’s … [Read more…]

What is “IT”?

During his sermon, a pastor noticed one of the young wives in the congregation, who was quite pregnant, continually rubbing her side.  After the service, he asked her at the door, “Are you okay?  I noticed during my message that you were holding onto your side.”  “Oh, I’m fine,” she answered.  “It was just the … [Read more…]

The True North

You may not know this, but the original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, England, was that of “Cold North Dominion”. However this was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D.  The King’s Royal Governor then presented the new name to the inhabitants of the land, but they didn’t … [Read more…]

It’s a Boy!

Congratulations to the Braks on the arrival of their third grandchild.   Jack River Van Garrett was born to Chris and Natalie on June 28, at 5:16 pm.  He weighed 8 lbs. and 13 oz.

Breatharianism

Old Abram was a poor tailor in a little shop located next to an upscale French bistro.  Each day at noon Abe repeated the same routine – for lunch taking his brown paper bag containing (black bread, pickled herring) and going out the back door of his place of business, where sitting on a bench … [Read more…]

2016 School Graduation

Four  received diplomas: Kindergarten (Ben Borrmann, Evangeline Foy), Grade Eight (Ava Foy), Grade Twelve (Leann tenPas) And all graduated with academic honours. And the award winners were: Mrs. Price’s class and a $25 gift card: Ben Borrmann (scholarship), Evangeline Foy (scripture), Chelsea Geertsma (spirit). Mrs. Borrmann’s class and a $37.50  gift card: Ethan Borrmann (scholarship), … [Read more…]

The Gentle “C”

THE GENTLE “C” It is said that the term cesarean comes from the Roman emperor Julius Caesar because of the way he was born;  that when his mother died in the ninth month, they cut her open, took him out, and named him thus – for in the Roman tongue dissection is called, “caesar” Think … [Read more…]

Say Cheese? (or) Say Prunes?

The story is told that Snow White was given a  camera as a birthday present.  She then quickly went through three rolls of film, taking pictures of the seven little dwarfs; after which she took the film cartridges to the local drug store where they were mailed out for development.  Snow White then waited some … [Read more…]

Nose Pickers

Someone has said, “A sharp nose indicates curiosity. A flattened nose indicates too much curiosity!” Well, the nose is in the news, or what’s inside the nose (i.e. boogers). Let me explain. There is a medical theory known as the hygiene hypothesis. It states that a child raised in an environment devoid of dirt and … [Read more…]

Bombs Away!

When Golda Meir was Prime Minister of Israel, the Jewish nation was about to face another major military conflict with the hostile surrounding Arab nations.  Outnumbered in population by a ratio of 1,000 to 1, President Richard Nixon called her and asked what the U.S. could do to be of assistance.  “What we need Mr. … [Read more…]

The Rise and Fall of the Shopping Mall

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the large discounts (and some advertising) were the reason for the long line that formed in front of the business an hour before its opening.  A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be shoved back, amid loud and … [Read more…]

2017 Christian School Track & Field

LOWER GRADES (16 Ribbons) Benjamin Borrmann/K5 – Bean Bag Toss (1), Buddy Race (3), Ball On Spoon (1), Boys Relay (3) … ChelseaGeertsma /K4 – Bean Bag (3), Ball On Spoon (1), Girls Relay (1) … Evangeline Foy /K5 – Ball On Spoon (2), Girls Relay (3) … Quinnly Diegel/K5 – Bean Bag Toss (2), … [Read more…]

The Grand, Old Flag?

A Dutchman was explaining to an American the red, white and blue colours on the Netherlands flag  “Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them.”  The Yankee nodded. “It’s the same in the United States, … [Read more…]

Just Twenty-three Easters Left

A farmer entered the church and saw that he and the minister were the only ones present for Sunday service.  The minister asked the farmer if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.  The farmer replied, “Well, I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, … [Read more…]

Coffee Pots and Coffee Pods

A man went to the doctor for a check-up.  As part of the exam, the physician inquired as to his eating habits.  The fella said, “Well, for breakfast I have cereal, eggs, bacon, toast, bagel, jam, muffin, doughnuts and coffee.  For lunch, I have a few cheese burgers, large fries, milk shake, candy bar, cookies … [Read more…]

It’s a Girl!

Congratulation to Tyler and Suzanne on the birth of a little girl, Allison Nicole, a sister for Luke.  She was born on Friday morning, April 28, at the Listowel hospital.

Chicken Littles

One day a first-grade teacher was reading the tale of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.  She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”  The teacher … [Read more…]

Congratulations!

Peter Jachin Noble was born to Brodie and Susana on April 11, 2017, at 12:45 a.m., weighing 8 lbs, 13 oz.  His middle name, Jachin means  in Hebrew (“to be established”) and is from I Kings 7:21, And he set up the pillars in the porch of the temple: and he set up the right … [Read more…]

The Donald and the Devil

One man writes, While waiting for my wife at the checkout at Walmart, I noticed that someone had left behind a broom. When no one came back in looking for it, I nipped outside in search of a female I remembered seeing at the check-out ahead of me.  I spotted the woman in the parking … [Read more…]

The Billy Graham Rule

Someone has written – This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest of supermarkets.  Follow these four simple instructions.  The technique never fails. #1 – Have a look around at all of the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest gal in the entire store. #2 – Say to her, “Excuse me, … [Read more…]

Trajectory Theology

The story is told of Jesus having a conversation with a group of theological elites of whom he simply asked, “Who do you say that I am?”  The theologians replied, “You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed” to which the … [Read more…]

Whatever Happened to Melody?

There was a church where the preacher and the music director were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.  The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director closed with “I Shall … [Read more…]

No Uncertain Trump-et

Protecting the Unborn When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom’s tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.  But when he … [Read more…]

Well, He’s No Genius!

A teacher, after marking test papers, called a student up to her desk and said, “You copied your answers from the student sitting next to you, didn’t you.”  The pupil confessed, “Yes I did, but how did you know?”  She replied, “Because for one question the student wrote, ‘I don’t know’ and you wrote for … [Read more…]

When I Was In School….

In America, a pastor made it his practice to visit the church school one day a week.  On this particular week he chose the fourth-grade class.  As the minister walked in, the students were studying the states of the union.  The clergyman asked the children how many they could name and they came up with … [Read more…]

It’s A Boy!!

Ethan Price was born on Monday, February 20 to Tom & Julie Price.  He came into the world at 8 lbs. 13 oz.  He is the second grandson of Deryl and Beverley Price.

We’ve Reached Our Limit

A lady went to a doctor as to what she’d have to do to live to be 150 years of age.  The physician inquired of her lifestyle and she checked positive for all of the usual: lots of bodily exercise, lots of organic food, lots of meditative sleep, etc.  “So then,” the woman said, “Will … [Read more…]

People Who Make You Sick

Choose your partners, one and all, Aspirin, Advil or Tylenol! Now fling those covers with all you’ve got. One minute cold, the next minute hot. Circle right to the side of the bed, Grab the tissues and Sudafed. Back to the middle and don’t goof off, Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough. Forget about … [Read more…]

Deacon’s Elections

The five men elected to serve as the  board of deacons for 2017 are, in alphabetical order (Charlie Brak, Deryl Price, Frank Borrmann, Mark Wassink, and Stuart Foy).

Congratulations Students!!

Once again the church school students and their teachers are to be congratulated for another outstanding academic quarter with a combined average of almost 93% (92.8%).  Both the younger downstairs classroom and the older upstairs classroom achieved  90% and better.  This is the 26th straight semester for doing so in the difficult A Beka Book … [Read more…]

Mrs. Trump, Dress Yourself!

Struggling to make ends meet on a small county church  salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with a receipt of $250 for a dress she had bought. “How could you do this?!”  “I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I suddenly found myself trying … [Read more…]

The “Built In” KJV Dictionary

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made … [Read more…]

Congratulations!

It’s a Boy!  Weston Gunner John born on January 24, at 5:30 p.m. and weighing 8 lb. 12 oz. to Curtis and Lyndsay John.  Another grandson for John & Emmy Lou Wassink.

Sweet Time for Cows

Two dairy cows were grazing alongside a highway when a tanker truck of fresh milk, that was on its way to the distributor, happened to pass by.  On one side of the truck in big red letters was a sign that read, “Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized, Vitamin A added.”  One cow turned to the other and … [Read more…]

Deacon’s Election

Next Sunday, January 29, we will have the 2017 election for church deacons.  The sample ballot is on the back bulletin board.  Please pray for the men and their wives as we look forward to 2017.

Congratulations!

Congratulations to Jodie tenPas on making the Academic Dean’s List.  Jodie is a first year student of Redeemer University.

DON’t Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is!

A city man, who printed counterfeit money, was not the brightest fella and accidentally inked a large stack of twenty-one dollar bills.  Realizing he could not pass such bills with city dwellers, the counterfeiter came up with the idea of taking the money to the hills, where he’d pawn it off on backwoods folk who … [Read more…]

The Hardest Job in the World!

Two women were talking about their individual families.  The conversation went something like this: I have the perfect son. Does he smoke anything?  No.  Does he drink alcohol?  No?  Does he use foul language?  No.  Does he drive fast?  No.  Does he have sex?  No.  Does he break curfew?  No.  Well, I guess you do … [Read more…]

Curses on Cursive?

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench and smiling with delight responded. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.  Now sit down at that table and write out ‘I will not pass … [Read more…]

The Dirt on Israel

A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a strange ambition to have for a career.” “Well,” said the boy’s father, “he … [Read more…]

The World’s Oldest Alphabet

A wife asked her husband to describe her.  He said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”   She asked, “What does that mean?”  He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”  She said, “Oh that’s so lovely. And what about I, J, K?”  He said, “I’m Just Kidding,”  … [Read more…]

Saviour or Savior?

An American in England appeared on British radio. In the midst of the interview, the Yankee asked the Britisher if there was a Thanksgiving Day in Britain like that in the States. The Englishman replied that there was, but their holiday was in September, not November. When the American inquired as to why it was … [Read more…]

Farther Confessor?

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.  This went on each Friday of Lent.  On the last Friday of Lent, … [Read more…]

Suck It Up, Buttercup!

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.  One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”  “Two days ago.”  “Hmm.  Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over.  In May, he’ll be an engineer.  What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of … [Read more…]

A Jew for Jesus

Marvin Rosenthal (Part Two) Unexpected Opposition As if that were not bad enough, my mother now began to invite friends and customers to attend a Bible study in our living room. Some ridiculed, some politely declined, but some had a hunger to know God. To her, the good news of the grace of God was … [Read more…]

A Jew for Jesus

Marvin Rosenthal Marvin Rosenthal is an internationally-known Jewish evangelist who has had a world-wide prophetic ministry, reaching a multitude of people with the gospel, including a number of Jews. His books and magazine are always of the highest quality. And Rev. Rosenthal has made seventy-five visits to Israel, each time leading a tour. As well, … [Read more…]

Back to the Dark Ages?

A puny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack. “Sorry, says the huge head-lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down, “You’re just too small.”  “Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” the little guy pleads. “You won’t regret it.”  “Okay,” says the boss. “See that giant oak over there?  Let’s … [Read more…]

What Europe So Desperately Needs..

Is What Europe So Defiantly Does Not Want A large family, with seven kids, moved to a new city. They were having a hard time finding an apartment in which to live. Many apartments were big enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother … [Read more…]

Toys “R (Aren’t)”Us

Gender-Neutral Toys A man got on an airplane to fly from Boston to Florida. He was an educational psychologist on his way to speaking at a parent-teacher seminar in Miami. Sitting next to him was an elderly grandmother who had just spent two weeks visiting her: six children, eighteen grandchildren, and twelve great-grandchildren. She inquired … [Read more…]

Congratulations, It’s a Boy!!

James and Theresa Diegel have a new baby boy, Declan Diegel.   The little fella was born in Stratford on Saturday morning at 8:15.  He arrived late in the 35th week (a little pre-mature) and weighed in at 5 lbs. 15 oz. Now both Quinnly and Isaac have a baby brother.  And we thank the … [Read more…]

Over a Billion Served

One pastor writes, “After the morning worship service a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, pastor is going to lose his place and he will have … [Read more…]

Israel, Bird-Watcher’s Paradise

having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he, too, could fly.  The baby pigeon cried, “I can’t make the flight…I get too tired.”  His mother said, “Don’t worry; I’ll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.”  The baby started to cry.  “What’s wrong now?”  … [Read more…]

The One Truth that Trumps It All

Someone had well said, “Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for.”  When Bill Clinton ran for the office of President of the United States in 1996, the word abortion was found just one time in the Democratic Party platform.  The policy position was … [Read more…]

Not According to Hoyle

(No, not as in Edmund Hoyle  the famed rules authority on card games from whose last name comes the phrase “not according to Hoyle”.  But as in Sir Frederick Hoyle, the distinguished astronomer.  Here’s the story.) The following was seen on a restroom wall: “God is dead: Nietzsche.  To which, after the atheist passed away, … [Read more…]

A Letter to My Bread-Winner

My dearest husband, The other day, around 3:00 p.m. on a random Wednesday, I was headed to the grocery store to get something to make for dinner. As you know, I’ve been slacking on the food front for some time and can’t seem to get organized the way I used to. Remember when I would … [Read more…]

“Wife Camp”

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, bright. But when she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out the wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, … [Read more…]

Bikinis Vs. Burkinis

A Jewish lady’s grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He … [Read more…]

What Child Is This?

A little girl asked her mother, “Where did we come from”  The mom replied, “We came from God”  The child then went to her father and asked him the same question.  The dad replied, “We came from monkeys.”  The little girl went back to her mother and said, “Mommy, I’m confused.  You said we came … [Read more…]

Holy Humour

A Sermon With A Smile A teenage boy is getting ready to take his date to the prom.  First, he goes to get a tuxedo, but there’s a long line at the tailor (and it takes forever, but finally he gets the tux).  Second, he goes to get some flowers, but there’s a long line … [Read more…]

Hope for Homosexuals

It’s Not All In The Genes A pregnant woman from Canada gets in a car accident and falls into a real deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she awakens she’s no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.  The physician replies, “Ma’am you had twins, a boy and a girl! … [Read more…]

Christmas in July?

A young woman (of unknown hair colour) goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. “So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The young woman (of unknown hair colour) counts carefully on her fingers for a few seconds before replying “25!”. The interviewer tries another … [Read more…]

Holy Cow?

Two cows were grazing alongside a road when a milk tanker, on its way to the distributor, passed by.  On the side of the truck was a big sign that read, “Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized, vitamins added.”  One cow turned to the other and said, “Kind of makes you feel inadequate, doesn’t it?” It is the … [Read more…]

Private Education

Not What You May Think A letter from a college student to his father: Dear Dad, $chool I$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ … [Read more…]

Wedding of Dennis & Julie Fetter

Pastor Gary and Barb were at a Fetter family wedding in Forest, Ontario. Dennis and Julie were married and will be making their new home, along with Travis, in Teeswater.  CONGRATULATIONS!!

Christians Need Not Apply

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?”  The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before … [Read more…]

Fighting for the King

The Americans Who Became The Canadians You may not know this, but the original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, England, was that of “Cold North Dominion”. However this was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D.  The King’s Royal Governor then presented the new name to the inhabitants … [Read more…]

Noah’s Ark

Thinking Outside The Box A pastor was called to a local church and the people soon discovered that each and every sermon seemed to have something to do with baptism.  The congregation complained to the deacons who met with the minister and a solution was reached – the board would pick out his weekly sermon … [Read more…]

Graduation 2016

DIPLOMAS ● Kindergarten Five (Chad Geertsma, Maria Paura) ● Grade Twelve (Jesse Borrmann, Nichola Foy) AWARDS Mrs. Price’s Class $25 Gift Certificate/Red Apple ● Academic Average (Maria Paura) ● Scripture Memory (Chad Geerstma) ● School Spirit (Ben Borrmann/Evangline Foy) Mrs. Borrmann’s Class $25 Gift Certificate/Red Apple ● Academic Average (Ethan Borrmann) ● Scripture Memory (Charlotte … [Read more…]

Love It or Leave It

Australian Prime Minister Take it or leave it.  Immigrants, not Australians must adapt.  I am tired of this nation worrying about whether  we are offending some individual or their culture.  This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.  We speak … [Read more…]

O Canada – Political Correctness

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land. The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn.  But first, each can make a final wish.”  The Englishman said, “I’d like to sing God … [Read more…]

Dropping a Line

Back To The Future Last year, after having dug to a depth of 10 feet outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than one century ago.  Not to be outdone by … [Read more…]

Refund the Refund?

Someone has well said, “If America’s Founding Fathers thought that taxation without representation was bad, they should see how bad it is with representation!” Every year I have the same experience when my taxes are done – at the end I burst out laughing.  That’s because I always forget that there’s a little joke at … [Read more…]

2016 Track & Field Results

KINDERGARTEN COMPETITION CHAD  GEERTSMA- Gold (Frog Race, Bean Bag Toss, Running Relay, Frisbee Toss, Buddy Race, Backward Race, Pony Race, Boy’s Relay) BEN BORRMANN- Gold (Buddy Race) … Bronze (Frog Race, Boy’s Relay) EVANGELINE FOY- Silver (Pony Race) … Bronze (Buddy Race) QUINNLY  DIEGEL- Bronze (Girl’s Relay) MARIA  PAURA- Silver (Frog Race, Pony Race, Girl’s … [Read more…]

Signing Aloud

A deaf couple check into a motel and go to bed early.  The wife wakes her husband in the middle of the night complaining of a headache.  She asks him to go to the car to get some aspirin.  Groggy with sleep, he struggles to get up, put on his robe, and leaves the room … [Read more…]

Rome;s Real Revenue

A man was strolling down the sidewalk and suddenly had a heart attack, falling to the ground.  A fella came up to him and asked what was wrong.  The man said, “I’m dying and I need a priest to give me the last rites.”  The fella wasn’t aware of any parish in the area, but … [Read more…]

The Next “Survivor” Series

Survivor – The show maroons a group of strangers in an isolated locale.  There they must provide for themselves and compete in challenges to earn rewards or immunity from game expulsion in successive elimination votes. The final survivors face a jury composed of the last players voted off, who vote for the game winner – … [Read more…]

The Traditional Funeral Is on its Death-Bed

There was a recent story in the newspaper that the man who invented throat lozenges, who died.  And the article ended with this line, “Of course, there was no coffin!” The “no coffin” line is not a laughing matter for funeral homes, as more and more individuals are bypassing the traditional death format (funeral-home viewing, … [Read more…]

Before Welch’s

Note – Last Sunday I preached the fifth of twelve messages on What’s The Word On Wine, (The Bible And Social Drinking).  The sermon was, New Wine (juice), Old Wine (alcohol), Bad Wine (vinegar).  In the message, I talked about how people in biblical times, contrary to popular belief, were able even back then to … [Read more…]

Mary’s Money

One day a pastor stood up in church and announced to his congregation, “I have good news and I have bad news.  The good news is, we have enough money to pay for the new building program.  The bad news is, it’s still all out there in your pockets.” When Jesus traveled throughout Israel, the … [Read more…]

Get Your Crayons Out?

A little four-year-old girl was hard at work drawing with a crayon.  Her mother inquired, “Sally, what are you doing that requires such concentration?” She replied, “I am drawing a picture of God.”  Mom smiled and said gently, “Sally, no one knows what God looks like.” to which the young daughter countered with, “Well, they … [Read more…]

The Right Cup

Two Jews, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”  “I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”  When the oriental waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”  “I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, … [Read more…]

Saving Money & Saving Families

Chick-Fil-A & Cell Phones Bill wants to get his wife, Sharon, something nice for their first wedding anniversary and so he decides to buy her a cell phone.  Sharon is excited about  receiving such a present and Bill shows her how to use it.  The next day, Sharon goes shopping at Walmart and her phone … [Read more…]

When Politics Worked – Reagan and O’Neill

A busload of politicians were being driven in the country when all of a sudden the vehicle ran off the road and crashed into a barn.  The farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried every one of the elected officials. A few days later, the local … [Read more…]

Christian School Convention Results

Ava Foy (3) – Bronze (Math) … Silver (Essay Writing) …  Silver (Photography) Kaitlyn tenPas (3) – Bronze (Math) … Bronze (Photography) … Gold (Painting) Emma Foy (2) – Bronze (Math) … Gold (Essay Writing) Leann tenPas (6) – Bronze (Math) … Silver (Painting) … Silver (Short Story Writing) …  Gold (Essay Writing) … Gold … [Read more…]

The Donut Girls

There was a senior citizen who lived in a small town all by herself.  In the early evening she had retired to bed when all of a sudden sounds started coming from downstairs, someone had broken into her home.  The elderly lady grabbed the phone, got under her bed, and called nine-one-one, but it just … [Read more…]

Sunday Best?

A Baptist church tried to get a man to attend its services, but he never would show up. “Why don’t you come?” the preacher asked, and the man finally admitted it was because he didn’t have the proper clothes to wear.  So a member of the congregation took him to a clothing store to get … [Read more…]

A Womb with a View

A WOMB WITH A VIEW A man and his wife were making the initial doctor visit prior to the birth of what would be their first child. After everything checked out, they wondered when to  return.  The physician took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.  The couple were curious as … [Read more…]

Titanic II

A magician was working on a cruise ship.  Since the audience was different each week,  he did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick – and once the bird understood, he … [Read more…]

Not Feeling Super

Auburn University football coach, Shug Jordan, asked his former star linebacker, Mike Kollin, who was then playing for the Miami Dolphins, if he would help him do some recruiting.  The conversation went like this: “Sure coach, what kind of player are you looking for?” … “Well Mike, you know there’s that fellow you knock him … [Read more…]

Bye, Bye Barbie

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t yet bought her a gift. So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie doll in the window?”  The sales clerk replied … [Read more…]

A Second Hobby

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, attic box. He happened to also mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had been printed on it.  “Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.  “Yes, that was it!”  “You idiot! You’ve thrown away one … [Read more…]

A Whole Lotto Love

Mike was recovering from a severe heart attack, and the doctor said there should be no excitement of any kind in his life for a couple months. He repeated, “None whatsoever!”  So when his wife found out they had won the lottery, worth four million dollars, she was afraid to tell him, for fear it … [Read more…]

Journey to the Center of the Earth

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn’t be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly … [Read more…]

Digging Up the Past

An archaeologist was digging in the desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy.  After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.  “I’ve just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed. The curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll … [Read more…]

Unicorns, Fact or Fiction?

The lyrics are from, The Unicorn, a song made famous by The Irish Rovers, a Canadian folk group was recorded and released in 1968, selling 8 million records and reaching #2 on the Top 100 list.  The author, Shil Silverstein, also wrote A Boy Named Sue. Now one of the attacks on (and mockery of) … [Read more…]

Before You Wish for an “Old-fashion” Christmas

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede and they gather around Robin, the guide, who explains, “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.”  A fellow at the front of the group asks, “When did that happen?” “1215,” answers Robin the guide.  The man looks at his … [Read more…]

Dueling Genealogies?

A baby polar bear goes up to his father and asks, “Dad, am I pure polar bear?” The father replies, “Sure you are, son.  I’m all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.”  Still unsure, the baby polar bear goes to … [Read more…]

Deck the Halls – Fa La La La La La La La La??

Two little siblings were singing their favorite carol in church the Sunday before Christmas. The brother concluded “Silent Night” with the words, “sleep in heavenly beans.”  His sister immediately elbowed him and said, “No, no beans, peas!”  This Christmas season we’ll sing about forty carols, but one we won’t be singing  is the well-known Deck … [Read more…]

The Smartest Women in Church

With the help of a fertility specialist, a sixty-five-year-old woman has a baby.  Of course, all her relatives come to meet the newest member of their family.  However, when they ask to see the newborn, the senior mother says, “Not yet.”  A little while later they make the same request and get the same response, … [Read more…]

The Twins are Here!

Congratulations to Josh and Rebekah on the birth of twin boys.  Lionel David Reid (4:08 p.m., 6 lb/14 oz.) and Logan Frank Reid (4:43 p.m., 7lb/10oz)  were born on Tuesday, November 24, 2015 in the Stratford hospital.

The CR-ISIS in France

During the Second World War a company of American soldiers was marching through France when a little old lady approached them with a broom over her shoulder. She joined the troops and began to march with them.  The soldiers smiled at the lady and told her to please step aside because she could not do … [Read more…]

The Ark Encounter

The Ark Encounter is a one-of-a-kind biblically-themed  tourist attraction, located in north-eastern Kentucky.  In an entertaining, educational, and immersive way, it will present a number of historical events as found in the Book of Genesis – all centered around a full-size, all-wood Ark – which when completed, will be the largest timber-framed structure in the … [Read more…]

The War on Delicious

Two people were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant waiting to place their order.  Above the menu on the wall was a sign that read, “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”  The one person said to the other, “Believe me, if I had a bill larger than a twenty, I wouldn’t be … [Read more…]

Sacred Cows?

Two cows were grazing by a highway when a tank-truck of milk, on its way to the distributor, happened to pass by. On one side of the vehicle in big red letters was a sign that read, “Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized, Vitamin A added.”  One cow turned to the other and said, “Sort of makes you … [Read more…]

S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

A man had been driving all night to see his girlfriend at a university across the country and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have … [Read more…]

The Multi and the Fuhrer

A wealthy Arab sheik required a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors wanted to store some blood in case the need arose for a transfusion.  However, the Arab had a rare blood type that couldn’t be found locally, so the call went out to a number of countries.  Finally, a Jew was … [Read more…]

Take a Bow, Capitalism

A fortune-teller studied the hand of a young man and told him, “You will be quite poor and very unhappy until you are 37 years old.” The youth said, “Then will I become rich and happy?” The palm reader replied, “No, you will still be poor, but you’ll be used to it by then.” One … [Read more…]

Trash Talk

Recycling, What A Waste? A man tells about trying to throw a trash can away, the one thing it seems a garbage man won’t pick up. “One morning I set an old rusty trash can out at the street thinking that the garbage man would understand it needed to be thrown away; but when I … [Read more…]

It’s Another Boy!

Congratulations to all of the Wassinks on the arrival of a new baby, a boy.  Maverick was born very early Tuesday morning.  He came into the world at 9 lbs./ 8 oz. and is a little brother for Ryker and Declan.

No More Fifteen Minutes of Fame

It was in the1960s that avant garde  artist, Andy Warhol, famously predicted that with the beginning of the rise of the telecommunication age – “everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame”.  And although most people will never experience being celebrities in their lifetime, nevertheless more have and continue to do so, especially now with … [Read more…]

Meet the Women Who Are Taking the Fight to ISIS

There were three fellas talking in Tim Hortons – two about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the other remained silent.  After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”  The fellow … [Read more…]

Europe Rediscovers Its Borders

In 1995 the European Union signed what is known as The Schengen Agreement (named after the small town in Luxembourg where the 28 Euro nation members  agreed on a border-free zone between their countries).  The result?  Frontiers which had been bloodily fought over for centuries (and just a few years ago were  bottlenecks of traffic … [Read more…]

Luther to Enter Rome Again

A newspaper man entered a civic center where he noted there was a convention of Catholic brothers going on.  The reporter was not a particularly religious man, but he had always wondered what these fellas actually did.  So, going up to a man in a robe, he asked for a tour.  The monk was only … [Read more…]

What Would Jeremiah Do?

The traffic light just in front of him turned yellow so the driver did the right thing and stopped his vehicle, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.  The tailgating woman behind him was furious – she honked her horn and screamed in frustration, for not only had … [Read more…]

Shoot the King

A salesman was driving in the country when he noticed a young boy standing by the side of a barn.  On the wall were six circled targets with an arrow in each bulls-eye.  Amazed, the fella stopped his car, walked across the field, and asked the  kid how he was able to hit the exact … [Read more…]

King James Versions??

KING JAMES VERSIONS? It was Sunday morning in church and for the first time, a little first-grade girl got to sit in the adult service with her  parents.  And when the mom opened the Bible and set it on her lap, the daughter noticed the page.  She whispered to her mother, “Did God really write … [Read more…]

Women’s Parking Spaces

WOMEN’S PARKING SPACES An elderly woman stopped to pull her car into a parking space when a young man in his brand new Mercedes went around her and pulled into the spot.  This so upset the senior that she went up to the fella and said, “Hey, I was going to park there!”  The guy, … [Read more…]

The A’s, the B’s and the C’s

It was high school reunion time and 25 years after they had all received their diploma, there was talk of only one graduate.  His name was Harvey, the math-challenged country boy who had accumulated more wealth than the rest of his former classmates combined.  When Harvey arrived they all gathered around with just one question … [Read more…]

The Capital of Cheating

A teacher asked her students, “Having more than one wife at a time is known as polygamy, but what is having just one wife all your life called?  And a pupil replied, “monotony”.  Ashley Madison is a major website for married people who want to cheat on their spouse.  Its slogan is, “Life’s short, have … [Read more…]

The Biggest Discovery in New Images of Pluto is What Scientists Didn’t See

Someone has written, “Copernicus’ parents might just deserve some of the credit for his great discovery. Apparently at the age of twelve they said to him: ‘Young man, when are you going to realize that the world does not revolve around you!’” For evolutionary scientists, their origin-of-the-universe theory revolves around one thing more than any … [Read more…]

A Taxing Situation

The local tavern was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bouncer would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand it to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. … [Read more…]

Bruce and the Bible

A little boy and a little girl had just been introduced.  Soon they were trying to decide on which game to play.  The boy said, “I have an idea, how about baseball?”  The girl replied, “Oh no, I wouldn’t want to do that, baseball is a boy’s game.  It’s not feminine to run around on … [Read more…]

When Everything was Black & White

Pastor’s Page – Part 2 It has been said of Hollywood, “They don’t put their garbage out, the put it on television.” and watching today’s shows it would be hard to disagree.  All this made me think of the following poem: You could hardly see for the snow, spread the rabbit ears as far as … [Read more…]

The Billy Graham Rule

Someone has written – This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest of supermarkets.  Follow these four simple instructions, for the technique never fails. #1 – Have a look around at all of the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest gal in the entire store. #2 – Say to her, “Excuse … [Read more…]

2015 School Graduation

Class Of 2015 – We had a good graduation service this past Wednesday evening.  It was the thirty-fifth for this private education ministry.  Congratulations to the three church school graduates: Ethan Borrmann (Kindergarten Five), Kaitlyn tenPas (Grade Eight), and Jodie tenPas (Grade Twelve) as well as public school graduate Travis Fetter (Grade Eight).  Jodie received … [Read more…]

No Fairy-Tale

Bedtime Stories Benefit A little girl said the following as to what she thought was the difference between love and true love – “Love is when Daddy reads me a bedtime story.  True love is when he doesn’t skip any of the pages!” In the early years of a child’s life, the size of their … [Read more…]

Are Twins Taking Over?

Johnny, a very bright five-year-old, told his daddy he’d like to have a baby brother and offered to do whatever he could to help.  His father, a very bright thirty-five-year-old, paused for a moment and then replied, “I’ll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I … [Read more…]

Is Anyone Out There?

At the space agency, three women (a brunette, a redhead, and a woman of unidentified hair colour) where trying to figure out where to go on the next extraterrestrial expedition.  The brunette said, “We should go to Mars.”  The redhead said, “No, we should go to Venus”.  As they continued arguing, the woman of unidentified … [Read more…]

Don’t Have a Cow!

An old cowboy sidled into a tavern and ordered a glass of milk with a shot of whiskey.  The saloon keeper fixed the drink and put it on the bar.  Then, a young circuit-riding preacher entered.  It was a hot day and with a long ride ahead, the parson asked for a cold glass of … [Read more…]

Coincidence or Prophetic?

A rabbi was at continual odds with his congregation.  Finally, the president of the synagogue said, “Rabbi, we must have a conference to settle this dispute once and for all.”  So the rabbi, the president, and the ten elders gathered together to discuss the issue, of which the rabbi soon discovered he was the only … [Read more…]

Victoria’s Victory! and Victoria’s Secret!

Two boys were walking down the sidewalk and saw an old woman reading the Bible.   One said to the other, “Oh, that’s my grandma.  She’s cramming for her finals.”  In the late 1800s, Queen Victoria of England attended worship at the famous St. Paul’s Cathedral in London. There, the famous monarch heard a sermon that … [Read more…]

2015 Track & Field

KINDERGARTEN (4/5) Maria (Third/Girl’s Relay) … Ethan (First/Spoon Race & Second/Boy’s Relay & Second/Arms Race) … Chad (Second/Arms Race) LOWER GRADES (1-6) Charlotte (Second/Kick Ball & Third/Crab Walk & Third/Bean Bag Toss & First/Soccer Kick) … Wesley (Third/Three-Legged Race & First/Standing Long Jump & First/Basketball Shoot & First/Soccer Kick & Second/Ball Throw & Second/Kick Ball … [Read more…]

The “Green” Thing

An anonymous woman writes, Checking out at the supermarket recently, the young cashier suggested that I should bring my own bags because plastic ones weren’t good for the environment. I apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my early days.”  The clerk responded, “Well, that’s the problem, your generation didn’t care … [Read more…]

Plain Old Vanilla?

PLAIN OLD VANILLA? A man approached an ice cream van and requested, “I’d like two scoops of chocolate, please.”  The girl behind the counter replied, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn’t come in this morning and as a result we are all out of chocolate.”  “In that case,” the man continued, “I’ll have … [Read more…]

A Dickens of a Tale

A lady writes, “My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table.  There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went … [Read more…]

Blowing Smoke

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday morning sermon.  So at the beginning of the message he placed four worms in four jars: the first containing alcoholic wine, the second cigarette smoke, the third chocolate syrup, and the fourth good soil.  At the conclusion of the message he reported … [Read more…]

Germany’s Greater Grief

2 of 721 to me GERMANY’S GREATER GRIEF A fella walked into an eatery looking for a buddy with whom he was going to have some lunch.  As he passed by a table where two pretty young ladies were sitting, he noticed they were checking him out and heard ‘nine’.  With great pride he told … [Read more…]

The Boy Who Didn’t Come Back from Heaven

A young man was playing baseball when he got hit in the head with the ball and dropped to the ground.  He lay there unconscious.  They tried to revive him and thought he was dead.  Being a small town (and having only one mortician who was away until the next day) they took him to … [Read more…]

Breast Is Best

A proud Jewish mother was pushing her two young children down the sidewalk in a double stroller.  Along the way she met a friend who commented on how the woman’s kids were really growing.  The lady then asked how old they were and the mom replied, “The doctor is three and the lawyer is two.” … [Read more…]

Thinking Inside the Box

Someone has well said – “It  happens, even in the best of families, a baby is conceived (but this should not be a cause of alarm). The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money.”  However, with the rise of the new morality and the resulting increase of out-of-wedlock births, … [Read more…]

Christian School Convention

Our five older church school students (Kaitlyn, Emma, Leann, Nichola, Jodie) competed in the following categories for a bronze, silver, or gold ranking: Essay Writing … Group Scripture  … Math…Sketching … Photography … Poetry Writing…Spelling … Short Story Writing … Watercolour The results were as follows: Kaitlyn – Bronze (Group Scripture) … Silver (Watercolour) … … [Read more…]

Fighting the Good Fight

In a Peanuts cartoon, Lucy enters a room and demands that Linus, who is her brother, change the channel on the television set.  Linus refuses, telling his sister, “What makes you think you can just come waltzing in here and take over?  Lucy replies, “See these five fingers. Individually they are not much, but when … [Read more…]

It’s a Girl!

Congratulations to Aaron and Lori on the birth of their fourth child, a baby girl.  Sadie Louise Borrmann was born on Friday, March 6, 2015, at 12:44 a.m.  She weighed in at 8 lbs./13 oz.

How About Them Apples

Someone has well said, “Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us kicked out of  the Garden of Eden, it was the pair on the ground.” When Adam and Eve got booted out of  paradise, it not only changed them for the worse, it also did the  same to … [Read more…]

New and Improved

A boy entered a grocery store and asked the grocer for some Tide. The merchant was puzzled and asked the kid why he wanted a box of detergent. The child replied he was going to wash his cat. The man said, “Young man, you shouldn’t wash a cat with this kind of soap.”  The boy … [Read more…]

Love is Anything But Grey

A young man goes into a drug store to buy three boxes of chocolate. The pharmacist asks, “What size do you want – small medium or large?”  The youth replies, “Well, here’s how it is.  I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really pretty.  I want the chocolate because I think tonight … [Read more…]

O Come, All Ye Faithful Taxpayers

One Sunday morning in church an usher dropped the collection plate and the offering flew everywhere – coins rolling on the floor and bills floating through the air. The congregation couldn’t help but laugh, so the usher felt he needed to give an explanation: “I couldn’t help but drop the plate.  I was just too … [Read more…]

No Yolking!

Yes, Scientists Have Cracked The Mystery Of How To Unboil An Egg Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. couldn’t put Humpty back together again. That is, until now!  It is something that scientists have been working on for years … [Read more…]

Holy Irony

World’s Largest Bible Publisher A Japanese tourist in New York City was taking an American-made taxi cab from the downtown out to the airport.  On the way, a car zoomed by the taxi and the Japanese tourist said, “Ah, Toyota, made in Japan, very fast.”  The cabbie said nothing.  Another car zoomed by and the … [Read more…]

Are Pictures of Jesus Wrong?

he Charlie Hebdo Massacre A kindergarten teacher was observing her class of children while they drew pictures. Occasionally, she would walk around the room to see each child’s work. “What are you drawing?” she asked one little girl who was laboring diligently at her desk.  The child replied, “I’m drawing God.”  The teacher paused and … [Read more…]

Calculating Cancer – What’s Luck Got to do with It?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s. After his checkup, the physician called the wife into the office alone and told her – “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.  If you don’t do the following, he will surely die – make all of his meals from scratch, … [Read more…]

Why the Crackdown on Churches in China?

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”  “I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”  When the oriental waiter came by, Al inquired of him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”  “I don’t know sir, let me check,” the waiter said, and … [Read more…]

Vertical Farming

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.  The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace … [Read more…]

The Day Santa was Naughty and Not Nice

Someone has said that there are four stages to a man’s life: one (you believe in Santa Claus), two (you don’t believe in Santa Claus), three (you are Santa Claus), and four (you look like Santa Claus). Let me tell you about the man we call Santa Claus.  St. Nick was born in the year … [Read more…]

A Diamond Not in the Rough

A woman entered a jewelry store and immediately voiced her complaint.  “Yesterday, you sold my husband a diamond ring, but it’s the wrong size.”  “No problem, madam,” replied the jeweler, “We can easily adjust the finger size.”  “You don’t understand,” said the wife, “You sold him a one-carat diamond and my finger takes a five-carat … [Read more…]

Going Against the Grain

An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.  The old man replies, “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.”  So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give … [Read more…]

Potluck Pandemonium

Tragedy struck the Baptist church on Sunday when every covered dish at the church’s annual Christmas potluck was a green bean casserole.  Stunned onlookers watched in horror as family after family arrived with the same popular dish in tow.  By the time grace was said there were over twenty-five green bean casseroles lining the buffet … [Read more…]

Is the Pope Catholic?

On the first Friday of Lent, Fred was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.  On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just had to be … [Read more…]

Nothing to Sneeze At

Once when Red Skelton was being interviewed, he was asked if there was ever a time when he was at a loss for words.  The great comedian hesitated for a moment and then said, “Yes, I dreamed one night that I died and went to heaven and just as I was being taken before God, … [Read more…]

The Man with Forty Wives

THE MAN WITH FORTY WIVES A Mormon once pushed the American humourist, Mark Twain, into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After a long and tedious exposition justifying the practice, the cultist then demanded that Twain cite any biblical passage expressly forbidding polygamy.  “Easy,” Twain replied, “Luke 16:16 – No man can serve two … [Read more…]

King James for Kids

A parishioner went to her pastor complaining about Bible reading.  She said all was fine until she came up to the part that contained the genealogy list.  Her question was, ”Would it be alright to just skip those chapters?”  The minister replied, “I wouldn’t, for there is a great lesson to be learned from reading … [Read more…]

Flagging this Movement

On little Johnny’s first day of school, the class was to put their right hands over their hearts and recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the grand old flag.  The teacher watched the children closely as she started in, “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to…”  Then she … [Read more…]

Running Towards the Plague

Before I heard the doctors tell the dangers of a kiss, I had considered kissing you the nearest thing to bliss. But now I know biology and sit and sigh and moan; Six million mad bacteria, and I thot we were alone. Well, as we’re learning with Ebola, we are not alone on this planet; … [Read more…]

National Squirrel Appreciation Day

A minister visited a lady in a retirement home and as she lay in bed he spoke with her.  Now beside was a dish full of nuts.  The pastor ate one, then another, until before he knew it, looking down, they were all gone. “I am so sorry,” he confessed, “I ate all the nuts … [Read more…]

Thanks-Living

An American was being interviewed by an Englishman on BBC radio.  It was in the autumn of the year and the Yank asked the Brit if the English had a Thanksgiving Day like as the Americans.  The interviewer replied that they did, however, theirs was not in November, but a few months earlier in September.  … [Read more…]

Paying the Tab

PAYING THE TAB A $20 bill and a $1 bill were telling one another about their travels.  The $20 bill said he had just been on a whirlwind trip to – gambling casinos, fancy restaurants, sporting events, etc.; buying the beer and wine,  it was all quite exhilarating.  The $1 bill replied that his life … [Read more…]

And God Created Caffeine

AND GOD CREATED CAFFEINE Mama Bear tossed and turned, but could not fall asleep.  When her restlessness kept awaking Papa Bear, he finally cried out in exasperation; “How many times do I have to tell you, no coffee after September!”  Well today, it’s not bears and caffeine, but bees and caffeine I want to talk … [Read more…]

Steve Jobs, A Low-tech Parent

Bill Gates is walking along the ocean shore when he discovers a bottle in the sand.  He pulls out the cork and a genie appears. The genie says, “I have been trapped inside this container for over one-hundred years.  As a reward for releasing me, you can make one wish.”  The founder of Microsoft thinks … [Read more…]

Stem Cells

STEM CELLS One woman writes, “I was in my ninth month of pregnancy feeling very uncomfortable. And on top of all of this, my pleas for sympathy from my husband seemed to be going unnoticed. So one day I said to him, ‘I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!’ – which … [Read more…]

Jostling Jihadists

A Jewish man was riding on the subway, reading an Arab newspaper.  A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.  Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.  “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”   Moshe replied, “I used to … [Read more…]

Cookie Monsters

Children lined up in the cafeteria of a religious school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note: “Take only one, God is watching.” At the other end of the table was a large heap of chocolate chip cookies for which a boy had … [Read more…]

Who’s Laughing Now?

When the 1960s ended, San Francisco’s famed hippie district, Haight-Ashbury, reverted to a high rent area; so many of the flower-children generation moved down the coast to Santa Cruz. There they got married and had children (though not always in that particular order).  However, these parents didn’t give their offspring traditional names like John or … [Read more…]

Crop Circles

In 1978, Doug Bower was sitting in a pub in England with his drinking buddy, Dave Chorley, and they got to talking about UFOs (Unidentified Flying Objects).  On the way home both thought – wouldn’t it be great to create a (flying-saucer/circle-like) indentation in a crop field to see what kind of reaction it would … [Read more…]

Look Who’s On the Jew’s Side

A rabbi put an advertisement in the classified section of the Sunday newspaper offering his services. The next day a Jewish grandmother called asking about his hours and the rabbi replied “24/6…”  Well, today is the day of rest for the believer and so I hesitate to bring up unrest.  But I am asked often … [Read more…]

Fat Heads

A man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.  After doing the usual battery of tests, the physician asked him about his daily diet.  The fella responded as follows: “For breakfast I usually have things like eggs, bacon, sausage, fried potatoes, toast, butter, and some coffee.  For morning break, I have two to three … [Read more…]

Our Shrinking Sun

A Russian, an American, and a woman of undetermined hair colour were talking. The Russian said, “We were first in space!”  The American said, “We were first on the moon!”  The woman said, “So what, we’re going to be the first on the sun!”  The Russian and the American looked at each other, shaking their … [Read more…]

The Bad News for the Good News

After the baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the family car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “The minister said he wanted all of us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to … [Read more…]